Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
