Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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