We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What a dumb baby whore.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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