I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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