i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
