We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
