I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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