Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize