If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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