Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
soo... how was my night?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
