My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
