paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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