This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
