well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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