sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
