Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
