if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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