Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
