I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
