omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
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You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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