I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
