guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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