I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
