Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
