How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
