I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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