He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
