Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
