this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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