Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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