I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
