im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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