Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
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I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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