Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's shark week go big or go home
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
