I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I checked into jail on foursquare
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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