the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
