why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
