The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
