After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
