Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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