While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
