I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
