I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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