Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
