I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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