I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
