Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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