Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
