Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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