so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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