How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
