Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
