I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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