Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
