don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
