That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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