My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
