The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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