No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I supernannyed him into submission
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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