How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
