God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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