there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
