i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
