Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
no you cant smoke seaweed
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
