put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
